I'm Spartacus!

Well, I have been promising a photo of myself for a long time now...... and the moment has finally arrived!!

Cue the fanfare......

The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

Ta-daaaaa! Perhaps not quite what you expected huh? I have decided to remain semi-anonymous for a number of reasons:

• Several people (billionaires, clowns etc) may want to prevent or otherwise hinder my plans for world domination by killing me
• It makes me look mysterious
• It's a bit like "V" out of V for Vendetta
• You can imagine that I am far better looking than I actually am
• Other people can claim to be me, which will only add to the mystique etc
• It just amuses me

Besides, if I ever decide to become an evil serial killer, I will already have the perfect creepy mask!

Please also notice that I am clearly "the chosen one" as I have TWO shadows as opposed to the regulation one shadow that normal people have.

I'm Spartacus!

Toodles,
Chris of the Multiple Shadows

The Problem With Italian Restaurants

I like Italian food, and I like eating it in Italian restaurants. But why do the waiters have control of the black pepper? When you get your food they come over with an oversized pepper mill and ask if you want some black pepper. Sometimes they do the same with Parmesan. Why can't they just put a pepper mill on the table and let you help yourself? Same goes for the Parmesan. We need a decree!

GLOBAL DECREE #10
Italian restaurants must make adequate provisions such that each table has its own black pepper mill.

There, that's that sorted. Another sucessful day ruling the world! Incidentally, I am aware that I have not talked much about how I plan to take over the world so far. Well I'm working on that. Bear with me......

His Mighty Pepperyness Chris the Splendid.

Feeling Guilty

Maybe I was a little harsh on Jade Goody. I suppose it's not her fault, it's the fault of society for making her a celebrity.

She is still annoying though!

The Mighty and Benevolent Chris.

Outlaws!

Hello my Lovely Lovelies!

How have you all been? I know I know, it has been a while again, but I am a very busy person you know!

Now then - down to business......

The following people exceed the Irration Threshold of The Mighty and Benevolent Chris, and are therefore now illegal.

Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

Crime: Being pretentious, defacing peoples houses, excessive use of MDF, being a dandy over 100 years after it was even mildy acceptable.
Punishment: Mr Llewelyn-Bowen is henceforth banned from using any of the following items;

• MDF
• Frills or ruffs
• Winkle-Pickers
• Oversized cuffs, collars, ties, or lapels

In addition, Mr Llewelyn-Bowen is to have his bedroom walls covered in woodchip and painted magnolia.

And while we're at it - get a haircut you silly man!

Anthea Turner

Crime: Just being generally irritating and a bit too goody two-shoes. Having a really false smile. Having her wedding sponsored by a chocolate bar and OK! magazine (the biggest sell-out ever, and I quote.... - "Anthea Turner and Grant Bovey: exclusive OK! wedding photograph, enjoying Cadbury's new Snowflake. For the complete wedding coverage and a free Cadburys Snowflake, buy OK! magazine this weekend. OK! First for celebrity news.").
Punishment: Ms Turner shall eat two Cadbury's Snowflakes for breakfast EVERY morning for the rest of her life. I think if you endorse a product you should stand by them. After breakfast she must look herself in the mirror and read aloud from an extensive list of swear words I will provide for her.

Jade Goody

Crime: My god! I don't even know where to begin! Ms Goody is the perfect example of why I need to take over this world and knock some sense into it. What kind of society do we live in where talentless imbeciles such as Ms Goody are reverred as celebrities??? I am not a fan of Big Brother (in fact I HATE Big Brother, but thats a different subject), but her recent appearance really gave her the opportunity to show her true colours - that of a bully and a racist. Ok, so it could be argued that the racism was due to ignorance or downright stupidity, but the bullying was there for all to see. She is just not a pleasant person.
Punishment: She just needs to shut up and go away. She can never be on TV or in the media of any form ever again. I just don't want to be bothered by her. She also has to spend two days a week wearing a t-shirt saying "I am a fat, ugly, moron". I have nothing against fat people, ugly people, or morons - but I do hate bullies, so let's see how she feels being on the other end.

And just for good measure - here is another picture of the obnoxious tart!! Try not to vomit...


Right that's all for now. Jade Goody has put me in a foul mood! I think anyone who likes or aspires to be like Jade Goody need to be punished as well. All these celebrity obsessed people really do need to get a life!

More soon my futures Citizens,
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

The Human Rights People Are Gonna Hate This!

Ok - the bleeding hearts out there are gonna hate this (probably) but there you go - I'm the boss and I'm gonna be making the rules!

GLOBAL DECREE #9
No more animal testing - for anything!

As you have probably figured out already, I am something of an animal lover. I hate the thought of animals suffering for any reason, but especially for the sake of "research". But I am also something of a scientist, and understand the need for testing of new medicines and drugs etc etc.

"Then what is the solution oh mighty future leader of the world?" I hear you cry!

Well why should we make these poor innocent animals suffer when we have prisons full of rapists, murderers, and paedophiles? So when I take over, they will be taking over the testing duties.

Harsh? Yes it probably is. But then again how is this for a deal? Don't murder, rape or be a paedophile and then I won't send you to be tortured in the name of science. Fair enough? I think it is a fair deal.

Of course there will be safeguards to make sure that only the most deserving go for testing. People will of course need to be proved guilty beyond all doubt etc and in certain circumstances people may not be sent - the person who kills their abuser after years of abuse for example.

So apart from a very few exceptions that is going to be the new rule - and Amnesty International can go screw themselves in this instance. Normally I am a great admirer of their work, but as far as I am concerned, people forfeit their human rights when they commit these types of crimes!

I'm sorry if I come across as the bad guy this time, but there is some complete scumbags in this wonderful world of ours and they need putting straight - and we don't need to experiment on innocent animals either.

Pip pip,
Chris the Punisher

A Change of Lifestyle

Hello my Lovelies,

I happened to visit my parents the other day and while I was there I informed them that I have made rather a big change to my lifestyle and I wanted to tell them about it. That's right - I have gone vegetarian!!!!

Well, I use that term loosely because the purists among will perhaps rightly say that I am not in fact vegetarian at all due to the fact I am still eating fish. Let me explain the rationale behind it all.

What I object to is how the animals are killed. I don't like the thought of mechanised abatoirs where animals get to see and hear what is happening to those in front of them knowing their fate is to be the same. That to me is just wrong. Animals should not have to have that experience. I agree that it is natural for humans to eat animals, and if we went out and hunted for food then fair enough, but we don't do we! Animals are born and raised on farms and their fate is sealed.

And that is why I will still eat fish!

The way I see it, fish at least have a sporting chance as to whether or not they get caught and eaten - and by the way, no I'm not eating farmed fish!

On the same token, maybe I will eat wild game. They also have a sporting chance, and if they have been shot then it's a quick kill with no fear or anticipation.

I have said right from the start, I'm not going to be completely strict about this and I'm not saying that I will NEVER eat meat again, but for the time being I'm sticking to this new regime. It's gotta be healthier for me anyway - more fruit and veg and more fish!

I'm not going to impose a ban on meat or anything like that, you all have every right to eat what you like. However, I will appeal to your sense of fair play and better judgements to make the correct choices.

We all eat to much meat anyway!

I need to legislate!

GLOBAL DECREE #8
No animal that is killed for food will be subjected to fear or suffering. Death must be instantaneous and in no way expected or anticipated.

Until next time - mine's a veggie burger,
Chris the Sweetly Fragrant

Apologies!!!

Hello All!

Sorry for the long gap in communications! This is due to a number of mitigating circumstances but chiefly due to the fact that my PC broke! It was a simple broken CPU fan, but then the guy in the repair shop accidentally "stabbed" the mother board with his screwdriver and then suddenly there were all sorts of problems - none of which he wanted to admit that he caused!!!!

After giving him a stern talking to and showing that we were not to be fobbed off, he replaced the motherboard at his expense and we all lived happily ever after. Unfortunately this meant I was sans PC for a while.

So did you miss me..........?

Much has happened this month. I have changed jobs (yes, as demeaning as it may be for the future ruler of the world to have a job, world domination requires funding - and we all have bills to pay after all!). The new job is much more agreeable than the last, which is kind of the reason for changing!

Sad news however - I was defeated by Chess Nemesis in a best of five chess match! I don't want to make excuses but suffice to say it was an impromptu match and I played far from my best (blunder after blunder after blunder), still credit where credit is due - he won. This shall not stand however, and a rematch is pending. The more I learn about chess the more I find there is to learn. I'm trying not to get carried away with it all, but I have since purchased several books on the subject. I think learning everything there is to know on the subject will take a lifetime, so I have to be reasonable and decide when I know enough to vanquish my Nemesis once and for all.

Besides, I can't dedicate my time entirely to the study of chess - I have a planet to take over.

So anyway, sorry again for leaving you so long. I promise I won't let it happen again. I'm back now so watch this space.

Pip pip!
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

Happy Birthday To Me!!!!

Hello My Loyal Citizens,

Today, 8th July, is my birthday! It's okay, I know you didn't know so I didn't expect you to get me anything. But mark it in your diary for next year!

I have had a really nice time. Have been out all day with all my nearest and dearest and have received some fantastic presents. All in all a splendid day.

Incidentally - I am 32 now!!!

To mark the occasion, I thought I could give some birthday honours, but that might have to wait for next time as I am exhausted. It's been a long day.

Sorry it's a short one this time - but I just wanted to mark the occasion, and now you have got no excuses to miss my birthday next year!!!

Right, I'm off to bed.

Sweet dreams All,
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

Men in Skirts?

I am a man. A hetrosexual man at that. I am perfectly happy with who and what I am. That being said I have the utmost respect for everyone else regardless of their gender or sexual orientation - I'm just happy being who I am and don't feel any desire to change.

I want you to bear all that in mind for what I am about to say...........

I think it should be ok for guys to wear skirts!

There I said it!

I should perhaps reiterate that....

• I am not a transvestite
• I do not yearn to be a woman
• I presently do not wear skirts

I just think they would be very practical for us men. Throughout history, men have always worn skirts of some description (the Romans, the Scots etc) and it is only a fairly recent thing that "society" has ruled that the skirt it an item of womens clothing. Why? I think that was a huge mistake. When did "they" decide that guys couldn't wear skirts anymore? I definitely think skirts are more suited to the male anatomy. We have dangly bits - they should be allowed to dangle!

All in all I just think that skirts would be comfortable and practical for us guys. Unfortunately society has deemed that only women can wear skirts (I'm talking generally here and excluding any form of national dress etc) and so any man that does wear a skirt is deemed to be "odd". Ok, as it stands at the moment perhaps most men who currently wear skirts are a little odd - but we can change that.....

GLOBAL DECREE # 7
It is acceptable for men to wear skirts and still be considered "normal"
Instances when the wearing of a skirt will not be considered "normal"

• When accompanied by high heels / make-up / wigs
• Skirt designs that are excessively feminine (floral prints etc)

We are talking proper man-skirts here, not just rifiling through the wife's wardrobe. You can find a fairly good example of what I mean here. I think it is worth pointing out that the gentleman in this picture coincidentally has long hair - which I do not believe is in any way connected to his skirt wearing.

Now - I don't want to offend transvestites here. When I say it is only "normal" to wear a man skirt without other female paraphenalia I don't mean to infer that transvestites are not "normal"! While I respect their freedom to dress how they please, I'm sure we can all agree that being a transvestite is an alternative (but perfectly acceptable) lifestyle choice. I'm trying to bring male skirt wearing into the mainstream.

Obviously, wearing a man skirt will be a choice. I would just like everyone to have the option to wear a man-skirt if they wanted without being looked upon as an oddball. I'm sure it will take a little getting used to but I'm sure we will all be better off in the long term.

Once again - no I do not wish to dress as a woman nor do I not wear skirts presently, but I may well do sometimes when Global Decree #7 comes into force.

Until next time,
His Skirtiness Chris the Dangly

The Coat Hanger Situation

Just a quick one this time,

Do you know what the most annoying thing in the world is? Give up? I'll tell you...... it's a carrier bag full of coat hangers!

Is there anything more evil? Apart from clowns? Ok - there are probably loads of things more evil than a carrier bag full of coat hangers, but they jusy really irritate me. I feel I owe it to you all to legislate here.

GLOBAL DECREE #6
COAT HANGERS ARE NEVER TO BE PLACED INSIDE CARRIER BAGS.
Said items when combined exceed The Mighty and Benevolent Chris' Irritation Threshold and are therefore illegal.

Surely we can find alternatives when having to transport coat hangars from place to place. Some enterprising inventor could make themselves a fortune by inventing some sort of coat hanger transportation device

Incidentally, my Irritation Threshold is a new concept. Look out for it in future posts though as I am sure it will feature quite heavily.

Toodles,
The Chris-tastic One.

Crisp Nomenclature

Good Evening Citizens,

Just going back to a previous transmission regarding the over elaboration of food descriptions, I would like to share with you a few crisp "flavours" I have notice in my local supermarket......

• Double Gloucester and Chive
• Vintage Cheddar and Spring Onion
• Mature Cheddar and Lyonnaise Shallot
• Mature Cheddar and Red Onion Chutney

HAS EVERYONE LOST THEIR MINDS????? What was wrong with plain old cheese and onion? All these so called "flavours" are cheese and onion. They all taste like cheese and onion, so why not call them cheese and onion. No - instead we have to have faffy stupid exotic names so we feel all middle class and special when we're stuffing our faces with crisps. Complete toss!

Sea Salt and Chardonnay Wine Vinegar!!! Seriously!

Oh, look at me..... I'm so important. I'm too good for your grubby working class salt and vinegar crisps. I demand that the salt for my crisped potatoes is extracted from the sea by the local peasantry, and what's this.....? Vinegar? Normal plain old vinegar? Get that out of my sight and bring me your finest Chardonnay. Turn this fine wine into a vinegar so that it might grace my crispy delicacies.

GLOBAL DECREE #5
Crisp flavours are to be described in their simplest form.

In particular the following crisp flavour naming conventions will apply:

• Any ingredient that is a member of the Allium genus will be referred to simply as "onion"
• Any acetic acid based ingredient will be referred to simply as "vinegar"
• All types of cheese will simply be described as "cheese"

It is a shame that the world we live in has sunk to this level of turdery - which is exactly why you all need me to take over! This nonsense has to stop!

So, until the world is mine and Global Decree #5 is implemented, be good citizens and steer clear of these poncey named scabs off the devil's arse. In fact - have an apple instead, they are much better for you.

Hail Me!
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

P.S. Chess training coming along very nicely. Will set up a "Battle Royale" with Chess Nemesis in the next few weeks!

The Face of Chess Evil

Hello Loyal Ones,

My preparations are going splendidly! I managed to beat a computer on a medium setting twice last night!!

I thought you might like to see a picture of my Chess Nemesis so that if you should happen to pass him in the street, see him kicking a small puppy, or threatening senior citizens with a broken bottle - you can tell him his days of chess dominance are numbered and that I am onto his fianchetto opening!

Chess Nemesis

Be on the lookout for Chess Nemesis. He is likely to be found in the following places....

• Making unusual wagers in Victorian gentlemen's clubs
• Laughing menacingly while making a getaway in a hot air balloon
• Demolishing orphanages
• Masturbating in churches

But fear not - I, The Mighty and Benevolent Chris, shall be victorious and rid the world of this evil chess playing butt monkey!

Incidentally - I completely own him at squash!

Remain viligilant,
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

Preparation Begins....

Hello Again,

I am starting to feel much better thank you. Tonsils are beginning to return to a reasonable size and my temperature is sensible again. Hooray for penicillin!

Anyway - I have been talking about some of the things I am going to do when I take over the world, but i haven't done anything about actually taking over yet, so I thought I had better make a start.

I figured that I am going to need some sort of plan and it's going to need to be a good one. So in order to become a tactical genius I have decided to learn how to play chess!

When I say learn - I already know how to play (as in how the pieces move etc) - but I mean how to play well, because by my own admission I am rubbish at chess! This may come as a bit of a surprise to many who know me as I am a bit of a brainiac in many areas but chess never been my game of choice. I think it's because I am not patient enough and tend to go for an all out "death or glory" assault. I make silly mistakes because I am only looking at my next move rather than the bigger picture. I am easily bored too!

I realise however, that if I am to conquer the world I will need to learn these qualities. To that end I have bought a book.....


....which I have started already and I am going to start practicing. If I can get good at chess then I guess it will be a step in the right direction of total and utter domination of the planet Earth!

I am please to announce that I have already found myself a "Chess Nemesis"! We played today and I got completely spanked 4-0 (remember, I did say I was rubbish!), although I put up a decent fight in the last game. Saying that, the third game lasted about 8 moves until I was in checkmate - mostly because I got mixed up between which was the king and which was the queen. Yes I really am that bad!

I shall be using my results against my Chess Nemesis to gauge how well I am doing in my training and to see if I am improving. Watch this space!!!

Chess Nemesis has a blog too it's www.billionite.blogspot.com. Feel free to send him abuse and tell him how the Mighty and Benevolent Chris is going to kick his ass soon! Then it's Kasparov's turn!

Toodles,
Future Chess Grandmaster Chris

Honesty and Over Faffed Menus

Hello Piglets!

I am poorly! I have got tonsilitis and I'm laid up in bed :-( It's rubbish!

Still, I thought I would battle my way through the hallucinations and general fever to share with you a new policy that will come into legislation once I am in power.

I am a bit of a foodie. I like cooking, and eating out etc. However, there is something about eating out that has tormented me for many years - and that is menus that LIE!!! Some of them just use unnecessarily poncey language (which is also going to be outlawed) but others just downright lie.

Therefore I would like to introduce you to........

GLOBAL DECREE #4
All restaurant menus should have accurate and concise descriptions of the food on offer.

• Anything described as "home-made" must actually be made at the home of the chef cooking the dish and transported to the restaurant when ordered.
• "Hand-cooked" is now deemed to be an unnecessary elaboration and must be removed from all menus. What do you cook with if not your hands?
  
• Anything that is described on a menu as being "drizzled" must have been dropped from a height of at least one metre before hitting the plate.
• Anything that is described as being "farmhouse" has to have been cooked/prepared in a house on a farm.
  
• Just because you say where an ingredient comes from, it doesn't make it any better (Leicestershire Ham, Cambridgeshire Lettuce etc) - so just stop it!
• No more use of fancy words that hardly anyone knows instead of using the widely accepted and commonly using word (e.g. broiled instead of grilled etc)
• Just generally cut out all this nonsense - or else!

For example, instead of:

Lightly battered North Atlantic cod served with hand cooked chipped potatoes accompanied with garden peas and a twist of freshly sliced lemon.

I want:

Cod, chips, and peas.

Let's examine what is wrong with the first description.

• Lightly battered - How do you get heavy battered? What defines light?
• North Atlantic - So?
• Hand cooked - Do other places use their feet? Or maybe some kind of robot?
• Chipped potatoes - Someone really needs a slap!
  
• Garden peas - Who's garden? The chef? The proprietor? Lies, lies, lies!
• Twist of freshly sliced lemon - Its hardly the clincher when deciding what to order.
  

I do like my food and I am all for making it look and sound appealing, but things are just silly at the moment and we need a bit of a reality check. Just don't get me started on descriptions of wine!!!

TTFN,
Chris of the Swollen Tonsils

Some Well Deserved Honours

Good Evening Citizens of the "soon to be run by me" Earth!

First of all - apologies for not posting for a while. It's terribly time consuming planning the peaceful takeover of the Earth. No, really it is!

Anyway, as the future Supreme Ruler in Charge of Everything I get to give out honours.

I am pleased to announce the first recipient of an honour is ............ (insert your own fanfare here!)

Lord Partridge of Norwich
Awarded for Services to Broadcasting

I know how much this will mean to Alan, and I am sure he will be an excellent ambassador for Norwich. I was toying with the idea of making him King of Anglia, but those of us in the know understand that he already earned that title after spending an afternoon fighting zombies with a boy in care.

I am also awarding the following benefits to Lord Partridge in addition to his title:

• His choice of Lexi (plural)
• Lifetime supply of Chocolate Oranges (although the packaging may have some superficial damage)
• Lifetime supply of fungal foot powder
• Free entry to any owl sanctuary or spice museum in the Norfolk area
• A course of back liposuction

To celebrate his installment as Lord Partridge, Jet from Gladiators will be hosting a barn dance in his honour at Yeovil Aerodrome. It will be properly policed as it must not, I repeat not, turn into an all night rave!

Congratulations Lord Partridge - Jurassic Park!

The next honour I would like to bestow is.......

Sir David of Slough
Awarded for Services to Business

I don't give shitty honours. If a good man comes to me and says, 'Thank you, Chris, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I've done that, I wanna better myself, I want to move on', then I can make that dream come true too, a.k.a, for you David.

Bestowing this title upon Sir David now puts him right up there with other such luminaries as Milligan, Cleese, Everett, and Sessions. Congratulations Sir David.

And finally........

Dictator for Life Calvin / President and First Tiger Hobbes
Awarded for Services to Social Philosophy

You don't truly understand the world until you see it through the eyes of Calvin and Hobbes - and yes, scientific progress really does go "boink"!

For those of you not familiar with Calvin and Hobbes (shame on you!), allow me to share a few of their wise words....

• Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
  
• It's psychosomatic. You need a labotomy. I'll get a saw.
  
• That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
  
• What's the point of wearing your favourite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
  
• People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realise how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

I highly recommend that all citizens read the teachings of Calvin and Hobbes. They help you remember what is important in life (and what is not!)

Well that's it for now - but there are plenty more honours to be had. I already have the next lucky winners in mind but I need to get photos of them (since they are people you will not know - yet!). On the subject of photos, I know I promised you a picture of me a while ago. I haven't forgotten, I'll put one up soon. I'm just finalising designs for my Supreme Rulers hat!

Smoochies,
Emperor of Everything - Chris the Enormously Attractive

Money Money Money!

Good Evening my splendid People,

Do you have enough money? You probably don't think so. But the very fact that you are reading this on your PC with an internet connection tells me that you are doing fairly well for yourself when compared to a lot of people in the world.

Did you know that there are children dying from diarrhoea? In 2007!!! What is going on? That isn't right is it? While most of us are worrying about how much tax we have to pay and and how many holidays we can have this year, there are people dying because they don't have clean water to drink. And to stop this costs a fraction of what most of us spend on lunch every day!

It seems to me that there is plenty of money in the world, it's just not shared out very well. I'm not a communist by any means, and I understand and accept the need for capitalism, but I think capitalism needs to have a bit more of a social conscious.

I feel a new global decree coming on.......

GLOBAL DECREE #3
The Half Billionaire Rule
No-one is allowed to have more than US$500 million dollars. Anything over $500 million gets taken away and used to improve the standard of living of those who are most in need.

$500 million is a lot of money isn't it? I think if someone had $500 million dollars they would have a very comfortable life don't you? So why would they NEED any more than that? To be honest, I don't think anyone NEEDS anywhere near that much money. I think I am being extremely generous setting the limit at $500 million!!! It is certainly far more money than 99.99% of us could even contemplate having. I heard on the radio today that someone has just paid US$70 million for an Andy Warhol painting! Whoever can afford to pay that sort of price for a damn painting has got too much money!

According to the Forbes list, in 2007 there are 946 billionaires in the world with a total worth of $3.5 trillion ($3,500,000,000,000). For the sake of simplicity, lets say there is 1000 billionaires. If i took away all there money and gave the each $500 million to go off and live a life of luxury, that would leave $3 trillion left in the pot. And that is just the billionaires! That doesn't include the thousands of people who have between $500-999 million.

But let's be conservative and say I have $3 trillion dollars. That is three million million dollars! That is the equivalent of $500 for every single person on the planet! Now most of us don't need that $500 (remember people, there is a difference between want and need)!

I'm fairly sure I could stop children dying from diarrhoea with $3 trillion, and still have enough change to make sure everyone in the world had enough to eat, got an education, had basic healthcare etc etc etc, and put systems in place to make sure that those provisions were on-going.

And how did we do this? Just by telling 1000 people (from a population of 6 billion!) that they can only have $500 million to live on. I can already sense that you feel desperately sorry for these poor former billionaires!

Another great thing about me being the supreme leader of the world is that it will completely get rid of third world debt! No country will owe any other country anything. Since I will be the ruler of the entire world we'll just call it quits on everything seeing as there will only be one government (i.e. me!). And no, I won't be living in a huge palace on top of a mountain when I am Supreme Ruler of Absolutely Everything - at least not we've have sorted out those people in the world who really need a little help.

Sorry if this latest installment has been a bit heavy, it can't all be fun fun fun running the world. Sometimes we do have to look at serious things too.

Until next time (and please give generously!)
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

Global Decree #2

It seems that throughout history, many leaders been guilty of persecution. While I generally think that persecution is a bad thing, this is one tradition I will be keeping. I don't intend persecuting on the grounds of race, religion, sexuality, or beliefs - I intend to persecute on the basis of whether or not someone is a clown.

GLOBAL DECREE #2
Dealing with Clowns
All clowns are to be taken to regional internment camps immediately. Clown labour will be used to make up for any shortcomings in global productivity that result as a consequence of Global Decree #1. All clown pictures, memorabilia, likenesses and paraphernalia are to be destroyed. This includes (but is not limited to) rotating bow ties, stupid cars that fall to pieces, and flowers that squirt water. Clown dolls must be burnt and their remains divided up and scattered on different continents.


I don't like clowns - they freak me out!

My First Decree

Good Evening Citizens,

It is I, the Mighty and Benevolent Chris, here to issue my first global decree!

Don't Mondays suck? That first day back at work. Mondays are so bad they even spoil Sundays! You can't properly enjoy Sunday because you know that Monday is on its way!

I also feel that it is unfair that we only have a two day weekend. Seven days in a week, five working and two resting. That's not right is it? Even if it was four days working and three days resting it would still be unfair, but it would be much better.

So - with all this in mind I am pleased to unveil......... (fanfare)

GLOBAL DECREE #1
The Introduction of "Chrisday"
In order to address the imbalance of the 5:2 work/rest ratio of the current week, we will be moving to a 4:3 week. Mondays will be done away with and a new day, Chrisday, will be introduced to the week.

A working week will now run as follows

• Tuesday (work)
• Wednesday (work)
• Thursday (work)
• Friday (work)
• Saturday (weekend)
• Chrisday (weekend)
• Sunday (weekend)

The decision to place Chrisday between Saturday and Sunday was so that the General Population can REALLY enjoy Chrisday, since you will have a day off before and a day off after!

Further to the introduction of Chrisday, I am ruling that work on a Tuesday must not start before 10.30am - just so that Sunday isn't quite so spoilt by the thought of going back to work on Tuesday. At least you can have a little lie in!

I hope that all makes sense. I know there will be a few of you who will wonder about the loss of productivity etc - well don't. Have faith in your Magnificent and Wonderous Leader - I've got it covered, but we'll save that for another time.

Until next time - Hail Me!

Supreme Generalissimo Chris

Getting Started

Hello again,

Right - I think I should get a few things organised so we get off on the right foot. I think the first issues to sort out are....

• What should my official title/s be?
• What should YOUR official title/s be?

So - my title/s. A few ideas I have come up with so far are....

• Supreme Overlord Chris
• The Magnificent One
• His Mightiness
• Chief Dictator in Charge of Everything
• Captain Fantastic

This is not an exhaustive list, but for the time being I will use these as my official titles. I will probably add to these at some point.

Now, the general population shall be refered to as any of the following....

• The General Population
• The Populace
• Citizen (if referring to an individual)
• The Little People

Okay, that should do it for now, I'll think up some more as I go along. I'm going to honour the General Population with a photo of my gracious and mighty self very soon. Maybe I should have some sort of uniform or something to denote my supreme ruler status, or at least a special hat! I'll have a think about that one.

Until next time my beloved little people,

His Mightiness Captain Fantastic

My Manifesto for World Domination......

Greetings Citizen,

I am the Mighty and Benevolent Chris. It is my intention to plan and implement a complete takeover of the planet and install myself as the supreme ruler!

I should perhaps point out that I don't intend being an evil ruler or to take over by evil or violent means. While I am certainly no saint, I don't have any ambitions to enslave the human race and make you all work in salt mines - far from it in fact. I intend to issue decrees that will benefit the whole of the human race because the way I see it there are a lot of things that need sorting out! On the flip side of that, I should also mention that I'm no tree hugging, sandal wearing, hippy flower-meister either. Any disobedience to my rule will be dealt with in bizarre and unnecessarily unusual ways!!!

Over the course of this blog, I will be updating you (my future loyal subjects) on my progress towards world domination and sharing my thoughts and future policies on such issues as crime, politics, religion, breakfast cereals, italian restaurants, and coat hangers.

Although as Supreme Ruler of the World I will obviously have the final say on absolutely everything, I am also happy to (sometimes) listen to suggestions from the populace. If I like them then they get made law, if not then.... I dunno yet, maybe whoever suggested it has to wear a silly hat for a week or something - I'll have to have a think about that. The point is that while I am more than capable of entirely ruling the planet, it might be more fun if all you little people joined in and came up with some ideas too. I'll probably be forming some sort of global government at some point so I'll need some like minded geniuses (not evil!) to join me. I'll be handing out titles and honours etc so it's probably best to get on my good side early!

Anyway, thats pretty much an outline of what is going to be happening here. I suggest you keep up to date, you don't want to be out of the loop when the revolution comes do you?

Until next time my faithful minions,
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris.