Honesty and Over Faffed Menus

Hello Piglets!

I am poorly! I have got tonsilitis and I'm laid up in bed :-( It's rubbish!

Still, I thought I would battle my way through the hallucinations and general fever to share with you a new policy that will come into legislation once I am in power.

I am a bit of a foodie. I like cooking, and eating out etc. However, there is something about eating out that has tormented me for many years - and that is menus that LIE!!! Some of them just use unnecessarily poncey language (which is also going to be outlawed) but others just downright lie.

Therefore I would like to introduce you to........

GLOBAL DECREE #4
All restaurant menus should have accurate and concise descriptions of the food on offer.

• Anything described as "home-made" must actually be made at the home of the chef cooking the dish and transported to the restaurant when ordered.
• "Hand-cooked" is now deemed to be an unnecessary elaboration and must be removed from all menus. What do you cook with if not your hands?
  
• Anything that is described on a menu as being "drizzled" must have been dropped from a height of at least one metre before hitting the plate.
• Anything that is described as being "farmhouse" has to have been cooked/prepared in a house on a farm.
  
• Just because you say where an ingredient comes from, it doesn't make it any better (Leicestershire Ham, Cambridgeshire Lettuce etc) - so just stop it!
• No more use of fancy words that hardly anyone knows instead of using the widely accepted and commonly using word (e.g. broiled instead of grilled etc)
• Just generally cut out all this nonsense - or else!

For example, instead of:

Lightly battered North Atlantic cod served with hand cooked chipped potatoes accompanied with garden peas and a twist of freshly sliced lemon.

I want:

Cod, chips, and peas.

Let's examine what is wrong with the first description.

• Lightly battered - How do you get heavy battered? What defines light?
• North Atlantic - So?
• Hand cooked - Do other places use their feet? Or maybe some kind of robot?
• Chipped potatoes - Someone really needs a slap!
  
• Garden peas - Who's garden? The chef? The proprietor? Lies, lies, lies!
• Twist of freshly sliced lemon - Its hardly the clincher when deciding what to order.
  

I do like my food and I am all for making it look and sound appealing, but things are just silly at the moment and we need a bit of a reality check. Just don't get me started on descriptions of wine!!!

TTFN,
Chris of the Swollen Tonsils