Some Well Deserved Honours

Good Evening Citizens of the "soon to be run by me" Earth!

First of all - apologies for not posting for a while. It's terribly time consuming planning the peaceful takeover of the Earth. No, really it is!

Anyway, as the future Supreme Ruler in Charge of Everything I get to give out honours.

I am pleased to announce the first recipient of an honour is ............ (insert your own fanfare here!)

Lord Partridge of Norwich
Awarded for Services to Broadcasting

I know how much this will mean to Alan, and I am sure he will be an excellent ambassador for Norwich. I was toying with the idea of making him King of Anglia, but those of us in the know understand that he already earned that title after spending an afternoon fighting zombies with a boy in care.

I am also awarding the following benefits to Lord Partridge in addition to his title:

• His choice of Lexi (plural)
• Lifetime supply of Chocolate Oranges (although the packaging may have some superficial damage)
• Lifetime supply of fungal foot powder
• Free entry to any owl sanctuary or spice museum in the Norfolk area
• A course of back liposuction

To celebrate his installment as Lord Partridge, Jet from Gladiators will be hosting a barn dance in his honour at Yeovil Aerodrome. It will be properly policed as it must not, I repeat not, turn into an all night rave!

Congratulations Lord Partridge - Jurassic Park!

The next honour I would like to bestow is.......

Sir David of Slough
Awarded for Services to Business

I don't give shitty honours. If a good man comes to me and says, 'Thank you, Chris, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I've done that, I wanna better myself, I want to move on', then I can make that dream come true too, a.k.a, for you David.

Bestowing this title upon Sir David now puts him right up there with other such luminaries as Milligan, Cleese, Everett, and Sessions. Congratulations Sir David.

And finally........

Dictator for Life Calvin / President and First Tiger Hobbes
Awarded for Services to Social Philosophy

You don't truly understand the world until you see it through the eyes of Calvin and Hobbes - and yes, scientific progress really does go "boink"!

For those of you not familiar with Calvin and Hobbes (shame on you!), allow me to share a few of their wise words....

• Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
  
• It's psychosomatic. You need a labotomy. I'll get a saw.
  
• That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
  
• What's the point of wearing your favourite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
  
• People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realise how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

I highly recommend that all citizens read the teachings of Calvin and Hobbes. They help you remember what is important in life (and what is not!)

Well that's it for now - but there are plenty more honours to be had. I already have the next lucky winners in mind but I need to get photos of them (since they are people you will not know - yet!). On the subject of photos, I know I promised you a picture of me a while ago. I haven't forgotten, I'll put one up soon. I'm just finalising designs for my Supreme Rulers hat!

Smoochies,
Emperor of Everything - Chris the Enormously Attractive