Men in Skirts?

I am a man. A hetrosexual man at that. I am perfectly happy with who and what I am. That being said I have the utmost respect for everyone else regardless of their gender or sexual orientation - I'm just happy being who I am and don't feel any desire to change.

I want you to bear all that in mind for what I am about to say...........

I think it should be ok for guys to wear skirts!

There I said it!

I should perhaps reiterate that....

• I am not a transvestite
• I do not yearn to be a woman
• I presently do not wear skirts

I just think they would be very practical for us men. Throughout history, men have always worn skirts of some description (the Romans, the Scots etc) and it is only a fairly recent thing that "society" has ruled that the skirt it an item of womens clothing. Why? I think that was a huge mistake. When did "they" decide that guys couldn't wear skirts anymore? I definitely think skirts are more suited to the male anatomy. We have dangly bits - they should be allowed to dangle!

All in all I just think that skirts would be comfortable and practical for us guys. Unfortunately society has deemed that only women can wear skirts (I'm talking generally here and excluding any form of national dress etc) and so any man that does wear a skirt is deemed to be "odd". Ok, as it stands at the moment perhaps most men who currently wear skirts are a little odd - but we can change that.....

GLOBAL DECREE # 7
It is acceptable for men to wear skirts and still be considered "normal"
Instances when the wearing of a skirt will not be considered "normal"

• When accompanied by high heels / make-up / wigs
• Skirt designs that are excessively feminine (floral prints etc)

We are talking proper man-skirts here, not just rifiling through the wife's wardrobe. You can find a fairly good example of what I mean here. I think it is worth pointing out that the gentleman in this picture coincidentally has long hair - which I do not believe is in any way connected to his skirt wearing.

Now - I don't want to offend transvestites here. When I say it is only "normal" to wear a man skirt without other female paraphenalia I don't mean to infer that transvestites are not "normal"! While I respect their freedom to dress how they please, I'm sure we can all agree that being a transvestite is an alternative (but perfectly acceptable) lifestyle choice. I'm trying to bring male skirt wearing into the mainstream.

Obviously, wearing a man skirt will be a choice. I would just like everyone to have the option to wear a man-skirt if they wanted without being looked upon as an oddball. I'm sure it will take a little getting used to but I'm sure we will all be better off in the long term.

Once again - no I do not wish to dress as a woman nor do I not wear skirts presently, but I may well do sometimes when Global Decree #7 comes into force.

Until next time,
His Skirtiness Chris the Dangly

The Coat Hanger Situation

Just a quick one this time,

Do you know what the most annoying thing in the world is? Give up? I'll tell you...... it's a carrier bag full of coat hangers!

Is there anything more evil? Apart from clowns? Ok - there are probably loads of things more evil than a carrier bag full of coat hangers, but they jusy really irritate me. I feel I owe it to you all to legislate here.

GLOBAL DECREE #6
COAT HANGERS ARE NEVER TO BE PLACED INSIDE CARRIER BAGS.
Said items when combined exceed The Mighty and Benevolent Chris' Irritation Threshold and are therefore illegal.

Surely we can find alternatives when having to transport coat hangars from place to place. Some enterprising inventor could make themselves a fortune by inventing some sort of coat hanger transportation device

Incidentally, my Irritation Threshold is a new concept. Look out for it in future posts though as I am sure it will feature quite heavily.

Toodles,
The Chris-tastic One.

Crisp Nomenclature

Good Evening Citizens,

Just going back to a previous transmission regarding the over elaboration of food descriptions, I would like to share with you a few crisp "flavours" I have notice in my local supermarket......

• Double Gloucester and Chive
• Vintage Cheddar and Spring Onion
• Mature Cheddar and Lyonnaise Shallot
• Mature Cheddar and Red Onion Chutney

HAS EVERYONE LOST THEIR MINDS????? What was wrong with plain old cheese and onion? All these so called "flavours" are cheese and onion. They all taste like cheese and onion, so why not call them cheese and onion. No - instead we have to have faffy stupid exotic names so we feel all middle class and special when we're stuffing our faces with crisps. Complete toss!

Sea Salt and Chardonnay Wine Vinegar!!! Seriously!

Oh, look at me..... I'm so important. I'm too good for your grubby working class salt and vinegar crisps. I demand that the salt for my crisped potatoes is extracted from the sea by the local peasantry, and what's this.....? Vinegar? Normal plain old vinegar? Get that out of my sight and bring me your finest Chardonnay. Turn this fine wine into a vinegar so that it might grace my crispy delicacies.

GLOBAL DECREE #5
Crisp flavours are to be described in their simplest form.

In particular the following crisp flavour naming conventions will apply:

• Any ingredient that is a member of the Allium genus will be referred to simply as "onion"
• Any acetic acid based ingredient will be referred to simply as "vinegar"
• All types of cheese will simply be described as "cheese"

It is a shame that the world we live in has sunk to this level of turdery - which is exactly why you all need me to take over! This nonsense has to stop!

So, until the world is mine and Global Decree #5 is implemented, be good citizens and steer clear of these poncey named scabs off the devil's arse. In fact - have an apple instead, they are much better for you.

Hail Me!
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

P.S. Chess training coming along very nicely. Will set up a "Battle Royale" with Chess Nemesis in the next few weeks!

The Face of Chess Evil

Hello Loyal Ones,

My preparations are going splendidly! I managed to beat a computer on a medium setting twice last night!!

I thought you might like to see a picture of my Chess Nemesis so that if you should happen to pass him in the street, see him kicking a small puppy, or threatening senior citizens with a broken bottle - you can tell him his days of chess dominance are numbered and that I am onto his fianchetto opening!

Chess Nemesis

Be on the lookout for Chess Nemesis. He is likely to be found in the following places....

• Making unusual wagers in Victorian gentlemen's clubs
• Laughing menacingly while making a getaway in a hot air balloon
• Demolishing orphanages
• Masturbating in churches

But fear not - I, The Mighty and Benevolent Chris, shall be victorious and rid the world of this evil chess playing butt monkey!

Incidentally - I completely own him at squash!

Remain viligilant,
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

Preparation Begins....

Hello Again,

I am starting to feel much better thank you. Tonsils are beginning to return to a reasonable size and my temperature is sensible again. Hooray for penicillin!

Anyway - I have been talking about some of the things I am going to do when I take over the world, but i haven't done anything about actually taking over yet, so I thought I had better make a start.

I figured that I am going to need some sort of plan and it's going to need to be a good one. So in order to become a tactical genius I have decided to learn how to play chess!

When I say learn - I already know how to play (as in how the pieces move etc) - but I mean how to play well, because by my own admission I am rubbish at chess! This may come as a bit of a surprise to many who know me as I am a bit of a brainiac in many areas but chess never been my game of choice. I think it's because I am not patient enough and tend to go for an all out "death or glory" assault. I make silly mistakes because I am only looking at my next move rather than the bigger picture. I am easily bored too!

I realise however, that if I am to conquer the world I will need to learn these qualities. To that end I have bought a book.....


....which I have started already and I am going to start practicing. If I can get good at chess then I guess it will be a step in the right direction of total and utter domination of the planet Earth!

I am please to announce that I have already found myself a "Chess Nemesis"! We played today and I got completely spanked 4-0 (remember, I did say I was rubbish!), although I put up a decent fight in the last game. Saying that, the third game lasted about 8 moves until I was in checkmate - mostly because I got mixed up between which was the king and which was the queen. Yes I really am that bad!

I shall be using my results against my Chess Nemesis to gauge how well I am doing in my training and to see if I am improving. Watch this space!!!

Chess Nemesis has a blog too it's www.billionite.blogspot.com. Feel free to send him abuse and tell him how the Mighty and Benevolent Chris is going to kick his ass soon! Then it's Kasparov's turn!

Toodles,
Future Chess Grandmaster Chris

Honesty and Over Faffed Menus

Hello Piglets!

I am poorly! I have got tonsilitis and I'm laid up in bed :-( It's rubbish!

Still, I thought I would battle my way through the hallucinations and general fever to share with you a new policy that will come into legislation once I am in power.

I am a bit of a foodie. I like cooking, and eating out etc. However, there is something about eating out that has tormented me for many years - and that is menus that LIE!!! Some of them just use unnecessarily poncey language (which is also going to be outlawed) but others just downright lie.

Therefore I would like to introduce you to........

GLOBAL DECREE #4
All restaurant menus should have accurate and concise descriptions of the food on offer.

• Anything described as "home-made" must actually be made at the home of the chef cooking the dish and transported to the restaurant when ordered.
• "Hand-cooked" is now deemed to be an unnecessary elaboration and must be removed from all menus. What do you cook with if not your hands?
  
• Anything that is described on a menu as being "drizzled" must have been dropped from a height of at least one metre before hitting the plate.
• Anything that is described as being "farmhouse" has to have been cooked/prepared in a house on a farm.
  
• Just because you say where an ingredient comes from, it doesn't make it any better (Leicestershire Ham, Cambridgeshire Lettuce etc) - so just stop it!
• No more use of fancy words that hardly anyone knows instead of using the widely accepted and commonly using word (e.g. broiled instead of grilled etc)
• Just generally cut out all this nonsense - or else!

For example, instead of:

Lightly battered North Atlantic cod served with hand cooked chipped potatoes accompanied with garden peas and a twist of freshly sliced lemon.

I want:

Cod, chips, and peas.

Let's examine what is wrong with the first description.

• Lightly battered - How do you get heavy battered? What defines light?
• North Atlantic - So?
• Hand cooked - Do other places use their feet? Or maybe some kind of robot?
• Chipped potatoes - Someone really needs a slap!
  
• Garden peas - Who's garden? The chef? The proprietor? Lies, lies, lies!
• Twist of freshly sliced lemon - Its hardly the clincher when deciding what to order.
  

I do like my food and I am all for making it look and sound appealing, but things are just silly at the moment and we need a bit of a reality check. Just don't get me started on descriptions of wine!!!

TTFN,
Chris of the Swollen Tonsils

Some Well Deserved Honours

Good Evening Citizens of the "soon to be run by me" Earth!

First of all - apologies for not posting for a while. It's terribly time consuming planning the peaceful takeover of the Earth. No, really it is!

Anyway, as the future Supreme Ruler in Charge of Everything I get to give out honours.

I am pleased to announce the first recipient of an honour is ............ (insert your own fanfare here!)

Lord Partridge of Norwich
Awarded for Services to Broadcasting

I know how much this will mean to Alan, and I am sure he will be an excellent ambassador for Norwich. I was toying with the idea of making him King of Anglia, but those of us in the know understand that he already earned that title after spending an afternoon fighting zombies with a boy in care.

I am also awarding the following benefits to Lord Partridge in addition to his title:

• His choice of Lexi (plural)
• Lifetime supply of Chocolate Oranges (although the packaging may have some superficial damage)
• Lifetime supply of fungal foot powder
• Free entry to any owl sanctuary or spice museum in the Norfolk area
• A course of back liposuction

To celebrate his installment as Lord Partridge, Jet from Gladiators will be hosting a barn dance in his honour at Yeovil Aerodrome. It will be properly policed as it must not, I repeat not, turn into an all night rave!

Congratulations Lord Partridge - Jurassic Park!

The next honour I would like to bestow is.......

Sir David of Slough
Awarded for Services to Business

I don't give shitty honours. If a good man comes to me and says, 'Thank you, Chris, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I've done that, I wanna better myself, I want to move on', then I can make that dream come true too, a.k.a, for you David.

Bestowing this title upon Sir David now puts him right up there with other such luminaries as Milligan, Cleese, Everett, and Sessions. Congratulations Sir David.

And finally........

Dictator for Life Calvin / President and First Tiger Hobbes
Awarded for Services to Social Philosophy

You don't truly understand the world until you see it through the eyes of Calvin and Hobbes - and yes, scientific progress really does go "boink"!

For those of you not familiar with Calvin and Hobbes (shame on you!), allow me to share a few of their wise words....

• Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
  
• It's psychosomatic. You need a labotomy. I'll get a saw.
  
• That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
  
• What's the point of wearing your favourite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
  
• People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realise how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

I highly recommend that all citizens read the teachings of Calvin and Hobbes. They help you remember what is important in life (and what is not!)

Well that's it for now - but there are plenty more honours to be had. I already have the next lucky winners in mind but I need to get photos of them (since they are people you will not know - yet!). On the subject of photos, I know I promised you a picture of me a while ago. I haven't forgotten, I'll put one up soon. I'm just finalising designs for my Supreme Rulers hat!

Smoochies,
Emperor of Everything - Chris the Enormously Attractive