I'm Spartacus!

Well, I have been promising a photo of myself for a long time now...... and the moment has finally arrived!!

Cue the fanfare......

The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

Ta-daaaaa! Perhaps not quite what you expected huh? I have decided to remain semi-anonymous for a number of reasons:

• Several people (billionaires, clowns etc) may want to prevent or otherwise hinder my plans for world domination by killing me
• It makes me look mysterious
• It's a bit like "V" out of V for Vendetta
• You can imagine that I am far better looking than I actually am
• Other people can claim to be me, which will only add to the mystique etc
• It just amuses me

Besides, if I ever decide to become an evil serial killer, I will already have the perfect creepy mask!

Please also notice that I am clearly "the chosen one" as I have TWO shadows as opposed to the regulation one shadow that normal people have.

I'm Spartacus!

Toodles,
Chris of the Multiple Shadows

The Problem With Italian Restaurants

I like Italian food, and I like eating it in Italian restaurants. But why do the waiters have control of the black pepper? When you get your food they come over with an oversized pepper mill and ask if you want some black pepper. Sometimes they do the same with Parmesan. Why can't they just put a pepper mill on the table and let you help yourself? Same goes for the Parmesan. We need a decree!

GLOBAL DECREE #10
Italian restaurants must make adequate provisions such that each table has its own black pepper mill.

There, that's that sorted. Another sucessful day ruling the world! Incidentally, I am aware that I have not talked much about how I plan to take over the world so far. Well I'm working on that. Bear with me......

His Mighty Pepperyness Chris the Splendid.

Feeling Guilty

Maybe I was a little harsh on Jade Goody. I suppose it's not her fault, it's the fault of society for making her a celebrity.

She is still annoying though!

The Mighty and Benevolent Chris.

Outlaws!

Hello my Lovely Lovelies!

How have you all been? I know I know, it has been a while again, but I am a very busy person you know!

Now then - down to business......

The following people exceed the Irration Threshold of The Mighty and Benevolent Chris, and are therefore now illegal.

Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

Crime: Being pretentious, defacing peoples houses, excessive use of MDF, being a dandy over 100 years after it was even mildy acceptable.
Punishment: Mr Llewelyn-Bowen is henceforth banned from using any of the following items;

• MDF
• Frills or ruffs
• Winkle-Pickers
• Oversized cuffs, collars, ties, or lapels

In addition, Mr Llewelyn-Bowen is to have his bedroom walls covered in woodchip and painted magnolia.

And while we're at it - get a haircut you silly man!

Anthea Turner

Crime: Just being generally irritating and a bit too goody two-shoes. Having a really false smile. Having her wedding sponsored by a chocolate bar and OK! magazine (the biggest sell-out ever, and I quote.... - "Anthea Turner and Grant Bovey: exclusive OK! wedding photograph, enjoying Cadbury's new Snowflake. For the complete wedding coverage and a free Cadburys Snowflake, buy OK! magazine this weekend. OK! First for celebrity news.").
Punishment: Ms Turner shall eat two Cadbury's Snowflakes for breakfast EVERY morning for the rest of her life. I think if you endorse a product you should stand by them. After breakfast she must look herself in the mirror and read aloud from an extensive list of swear words I will provide for her.

Jade Goody

Crime: My god! I don't even know where to begin! Ms Goody is the perfect example of why I need to take over this world and knock some sense into it. What kind of society do we live in where talentless imbeciles such as Ms Goody are reverred as celebrities??? I am not a fan of Big Brother (in fact I HATE Big Brother, but thats a different subject), but her recent appearance really gave her the opportunity to show her true colours - that of a bully and a racist. Ok, so it could be argued that the racism was due to ignorance or downright stupidity, but the bullying was there for all to see. She is just not a pleasant person.
Punishment: She just needs to shut up and go away. She can never be on TV or in the media of any form ever again. I just don't want to be bothered by her. She also has to spend two days a week wearing a t-shirt saying "I am a fat, ugly, moron". I have nothing against fat people, ugly people, or morons - but I do hate bullies, so let's see how she feels being on the other end.

And just for good measure - here is another picture of the obnoxious tart!! Try not to vomit...


Right that's all for now. Jade Goody has put me in a foul mood! I think anyone who likes or aspires to be like Jade Goody need to be punished as well. All these celebrity obsessed people really do need to get a life!

More soon my futures Citizens,
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

The Human Rights People Are Gonna Hate This!

Ok - the bleeding hearts out there are gonna hate this (probably) but there you go - I'm the boss and I'm gonna be making the rules!

GLOBAL DECREE #9
No more animal testing - for anything!

As you have probably figured out already, I am something of an animal lover. I hate the thought of animals suffering for any reason, but especially for the sake of "research". But I am also something of a scientist, and understand the need for testing of new medicines and drugs etc etc.

"Then what is the solution oh mighty future leader of the world?" I hear you cry!

Well why should we make these poor innocent animals suffer when we have prisons full of rapists, murderers, and paedophiles? So when I take over, they will be taking over the testing duties.

Harsh? Yes it probably is. But then again how is this for a deal? Don't murder, rape or be a paedophile and then I won't send you to be tortured in the name of science. Fair enough? I think it is a fair deal.

Of course there will be safeguards to make sure that only the most deserving go for testing. People will of course need to be proved guilty beyond all doubt etc and in certain circumstances people may not be sent - the person who kills their abuser after years of abuse for example.

So apart from a very few exceptions that is going to be the new rule - and Amnesty International can go screw themselves in this instance. Normally I am a great admirer of their work, but as far as I am concerned, people forfeit their human rights when they commit these types of crimes!

I'm sorry if I come across as the bad guy this time, but there is some complete scumbags in this wonderful world of ours and they need putting straight - and we don't need to experiment on innocent animals either.

Pip pip,
Chris the Punisher

A Change of Lifestyle

Hello my Lovelies,

I happened to visit my parents the other day and while I was there I informed them that I have made rather a big change to my lifestyle and I wanted to tell them about it. That's right - I have gone vegetarian!!!!

Well, I use that term loosely because the purists among will perhaps rightly say that I am not in fact vegetarian at all due to the fact I am still eating fish. Let me explain the rationale behind it all.

What I object to is how the animals are killed. I don't like the thought of mechanised abatoirs where animals get to see and hear what is happening to those in front of them knowing their fate is to be the same. That to me is just wrong. Animals should not have to have that experience. I agree that it is natural for humans to eat animals, and if we went out and hunted for food then fair enough, but we don't do we! Animals are born and raised on farms and their fate is sealed.

And that is why I will still eat fish!

The way I see it, fish at least have a sporting chance as to whether or not they get caught and eaten - and by the way, no I'm not eating farmed fish!

On the same token, maybe I will eat wild game. They also have a sporting chance, and if they have been shot then it's a quick kill with no fear or anticipation.

I have said right from the start, I'm not going to be completely strict about this and I'm not saying that I will NEVER eat meat again, but for the time being I'm sticking to this new regime. It's gotta be healthier for me anyway - more fruit and veg and more fish!

I'm not going to impose a ban on meat or anything like that, you all have every right to eat what you like. However, I will appeal to your sense of fair play and better judgements to make the correct choices.

We all eat to much meat anyway!

I need to legislate!

GLOBAL DECREE #8
No animal that is killed for food will be subjected to fear or suffering. Death must be instantaneous and in no way expected or anticipated.

Until next time - mine's a veggie burger,
Chris the Sweetly Fragrant

Apologies!!!

Hello All!

Sorry for the long gap in communications! This is due to a number of mitigating circumstances but chiefly due to the fact that my PC broke! It was a simple broken CPU fan, but then the guy in the repair shop accidentally "stabbed" the mother board with his screwdriver and then suddenly there were all sorts of problems - none of which he wanted to admit that he caused!!!!

After giving him a stern talking to and showing that we were not to be fobbed off, he replaced the motherboard at his expense and we all lived happily ever after. Unfortunately this meant I was sans PC for a while.

So did you miss me..........?

Much has happened this month. I have changed jobs (yes, as demeaning as it may be for the future ruler of the world to have a job, world domination requires funding - and we all have bills to pay after all!). The new job is much more agreeable than the last, which is kind of the reason for changing!

Sad news however - I was defeated by Chess Nemesis in a best of five chess match! I don't want to make excuses but suffice to say it was an impromptu match and I played far from my best (blunder after blunder after blunder), still credit where credit is due - he won. This shall not stand however, and a rematch is pending. The more I learn about chess the more I find there is to learn. I'm trying not to get carried away with it all, but I have since purchased several books on the subject. I think learning everything there is to know on the subject will take a lifetime, so I have to be reasonable and decide when I know enough to vanquish my Nemesis once and for all.

Besides, I can't dedicate my time entirely to the study of chess - I have a planet to take over.

So anyway, sorry again for leaving you so long. I promise I won't let it happen again. I'm back now so watch this space.

Pip pip!
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris