Caught By The Traffic Nazis

I think the very first thing I shall do once I take over the wonderful but poorly managed planet is to order the immediate destruction of 99% of those facist speed cameras!

Courtesy of our regional constabulary, I have received a Notice of Intended Prosecution for an alleged speeding offence.

Now let me make one thing perfectly clear. I do not think speeding is right and I think that those who do should be reprimanded - but it should be done fairly, following correct and proper legal processes, and the government should be honest about their reasons for having the cameras!

First of all, cameras outside schools, playgrounds, residential areas - fair enough. But when they are on open stretches of dual carriageways - they are just local government cash machines. Statistics have shown that they DO NOT reduce levels of accidents but DO provided an income of over £70million pounds per year (probably more now since that figure is a couple of years old). So why are the government telling us that they are there for our safety? What a load of tripe.

Now once you do get caught (which can be literally walking speed over the limit), the police try to bully you into accepting it without going through due legal process. The police and CPS become obstructive when you ask for evidence (i.e. if you intend to defend yourself in court - a basic human right - then they have to disclose they evidence against you) quoting data protection and copyright acts (neither of which apply) as reasons why they can't give you the video or pictures of your alleged offence. Disturbing isn't it when the police and Crown Prosecution Service are lying to the People in order to tip the balance in their favour! They will keep waving a conditional offer at you basically saying "own up like a good little citizen and we will go easy on you - but if you want to stand up for yourself we are going to make it difficult for you punish you much more severely".

If I had murdered someone, i would be entitled to free legal counsel and every tiny piece of evidence against me would be tested to see if it was sound. But as this is just a minor offence it seems that due legal process doesn't apply anymore, especially since they can make a few quid out of it at the same time.

The other point is - cameras are not a replacement for proper policing! A camera does not show discretion which I like to think that a police patrol would. Lets face it there is speeding and there is speeding. I don't think you can compare doing 33 in a 30 area with doing 60 in a 40 for example.

IF (and I do mean if) I was speeding then I will accept the consequences, it just really makes me angry how the police and government just seem to trample over our rights and lie while they are doing it. However, for now Isuppose I will take the "easy" option they give me to pay my fine and get a few points - but rest assured they I will remember this, and once I'm in power retribution will be had.

Long live Captain Gatso and MAD - keep up the sterling work. Your efforts will be rewarded one day!

Ta ta!
Chris -Crusader Against Injustice

NOW! That's What I Call A Revolution #1

Greetings Pop Pickers,

Since we will be having ourselves a jolly little revolution at some point I think we are going to need a soundtrack. So here is it, the first officially endorsed soundtrack to the forthcoming revolution! I'm sure I will think of many more appropriate songs so doubtless there will be further releases. Watch this space!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy them and they inspire you to "Fight The Power" and all that. Incidentally, for those delicate types amongst you, please be aware that the song "City Hall" by Tenacious D does contain rather a lot of effing and jeffing! I think the rest are pretty much safe.

Tatty Bye,
Chris The Suspiciously Minty.

A Dotty Problem

I don't know about you, but it really annoys me when people put a dot above an upper case "I". So much so I think a new decree is needed!

GLOBAL DECREE #11
No dots above an uppercase "I"

Those found guilty of putting a dot above an uppercase "I" will receive 20 hours community service.

Those found guilty of drawing little circles above an uppercase "I" will receive 50 hours community service.

Thouse found guilty of drawing a little heart above an uppercase "I" will receive 100 hours community service and will have to write out 5000 of the offending items every day for a week so that they get so fed up of them that they will never consider writing stupind hearty I's ever again.

There you go - another step in the direction of living in a fair and just world.

Ta-ta!
Captain Chris - Dot Police

Getting To Know Your Leader #1

Hello Citizens,

I like to think that I will be an open and accesible ruler of the planet so I would like to take a moment from time to time to give you a little insight in to how I like to spend my time when not putting the world right. Any Alan Partridge fan's might like to think of these "Getting To Know Your Leader" posts as mini-episodes of Anglian Lives. For those of you who do not know what Anglian Lives is, I suggest you endeavour to find out!

Anyway, here are some random things about The Mighty and Benevolent Chris.....

My Favourite Films:

Definite number one favourite is One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Starring my definite number one favourite actor Jack Nicholson.

Other favourite films include....
The Godfather (About as classic a movie as you can get)
Napoleon Dynamite (Gets better with each time you watch it!)
Goodfellas (I'm funny how?)
Castaway (Why did so many people slate this film? I thought it was fantastic!)
Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks is a very close second behind Jack Nicholson in my view)
This is Spinal Tap (I can quote every word of this film - almost!)
Scarface (Al Pacino is another favourite actor)
The Shining (Jack in all his glory!)

This list is not exhaustive, it could go on and on!

Books I Have Read So Far In 2008 (in order):
Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis de Bernieres
An Utterly Impartial History of Britain - John O' Farrell
Right Ho Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse
Catch Me If You Can - Frank Abagnale
Something Fresh - P. G. Wodehouse
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
Agent Zigzag - Ben Macintyre
American Psycho - Bret Easton Ellis (I'm about halfway through this one at the moment)

If I Put My Ipod On Shuffle, What Are The First 10 Songs That Come Up?
(This could get embarrasing, but I promise not to cheat!)
1. Babylon - David Gray
2. Rocket Man - Elton John
3. All Tomorrow's Parties - Velvet Undergorund
4. Is It Love You're After - Rose Royce
5. Transistor - Scissor Sisters
6. Black Dog - Led Zeppelin
7. Rino's Prayer - Leftfield
8. My Immortal - Evanesence
9. Dirty Women - Black Sabbath
10. Big Boss Man - Elvis Presley

What I Had For Dinner Tonight:
Honey glazed bacon, pasta, and salad.

Well there you go - a brief glimpse into the life of your glorious future leader.

Until next time - Hail Chris!

I'm Very Very Sorry!

Ok, Ok! I'm sorry! I know I haven't posted since November but there was Christmas and New Year and all that and anyway, I'm back now! Hip Hip Hooray!

I will endeavour to post more often. It's a bit late for new years resolutions, but I shall make it my belated resolution to try and post at least once a week. Promise!

TTFN,
The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

I'm Spartacus!

Well, I have been promising a photo of myself for a long time now...... and the moment has finally arrived!!

Cue the fanfare......

The Mighty and Benevolent Chris

Ta-daaaaa! Perhaps not quite what you expected huh? I have decided to remain semi-anonymous for a number of reasons:

• Several people (billionaires, clowns etc) may want to prevent or otherwise hinder my plans for world domination by killing me
• It makes me look mysterious
• It's a bit like "V" out of V for Vendetta
• You can imagine that I am far better looking than I actually am
• Other people can claim to be me, which will only add to the mystique etc
• It just amuses me

Besides, if I ever decide to become an evil serial killer, I will already have the perfect creepy mask!

Please also notice that I am clearly "the chosen one" as I have TWO shadows as opposed to the regulation one shadow that normal people have.

I'm Spartacus!

Toodles,
Chris of the Multiple Shadows

The Problem With Italian Restaurants

I like Italian food, and I like eating it in Italian restaurants. But why do the waiters have control of the black pepper? When you get your food they come over with an oversized pepper mill and ask if you want some black pepper. Sometimes they do the same with Parmesan. Why can't they just put a pepper mill on the table and let you help yourself? Same goes for the Parmesan. We need a decree!

GLOBAL DECREE #10
Italian restaurants must make adequate provisions such that each table has its own black pepper mill.

There, that's that sorted. Another sucessful day ruling the world! Incidentally, I am aware that I have not talked much about how I plan to take over the world so far. Well I'm working on that. Bear with me......

His Mighty Pepperyness Chris the Splendid.